


Monochrome

by spacewhistler



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 13:59:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4438157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacewhistler/pseuds/spacewhistler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The dark, the light, and their moments of grey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

10:00 am. 

Sometimes he prefers not to check the clock for the time. The sun is already high up when he opens his eyes anyway.

When rays of sunlight escape his blinds and crosses his face, he knows it’s finally time to get up.

Sho and his fucked-up sleeping habit go hand in hand. 

He showers then dons on his school uniform mechanically, as if his body moves on its own accord. He barely makes a sound when he picks up his bag and snatches a piece of bread from the dining table before heading out.

It’s his daily routine. He is aware that he rarely attends his morning classes but at least he can say he goes to school every day. No one looks up when he enters the classroom. His presence is not acknowledged in any way. But Sho does not mind. He’s used to this.

The teacher’s voice drones on about his boring topic for the day and Sho tries his hardest to lend an ear. But he can’t. Someone to his left is tapping incessantly on his arm before giving up and throwing the piece of paper in his hand to Sho’s table. Sho does not make a move to pick it up.

He hears the annoyed huff from his seatmate and he cannot help his smirk. He opens it, albeit lazily, and sees his seatmate’s neat scrawl across the piece of paper. 

_Did you have breakfast? Answer me seriously._

He’s tempted to crack a smile at the obvious tone of concern in the writer’s message but he restrains himself at the last minute. Why does Satoshi have to be so damn thoughtful?

Satoshi looks at him. Sho can feel his stare. This guy knows him better than he does himself.  
He answers with an inconspicuous shake of his head and then turns to look at Satoshi. The guy avoids his eyes as he frantically bows his head down to pretend he’s writing on his notebook. Leave it to Satoshi to mind Sho’s business. 

In fact, of all the people in Sho’s dreary life, Satoshi’s the only one who cares the most about him. Although he does not admit this and will always deny it. He will constantly insist that as his one and only friend, it is his duty to keep Sho from doing something stupid. 

***

“GET UP!”

He tries to, he really does, but his face aches and raindrops don’t ease the pain from the bruises and wounds these bastards left him with. He can still feel the soles of their shoes digging into his stomach and his ribcages. He can still feel the fists flying across his cheeks. He can still feel every rough hold, every punch, and every kick. He can still _feel_. He wonders why.

Sho is broken beyond repair. He realizes that now. The guy, who shouted for him to get up, groans in frustration for his lack of response. He spits directly on Sho’s face and the latter can’t even move to trip him or something, just to get back. 

He’s a helpless idiot. 

The rain continues to pour and he swears it’s especially bad today. The thunder seems louder, the lightning seems nearer…or maybe it’s just him.

He’s lying on the ground, face to the sky, his eyes tightly closed. His whole body is soaked yet he can’t move, even a finger. Sho silently wishes for an unlikely miracle, maybe for the rain to stop, but he tries to stifle his wry laugh. _Like that’s going to happen._

It must have been seconds, minutes, hours or heck, maybe a day, when the raindrops stop their assault on his battered face. He can’t stop stifling a calm and relieved smile. _Finally_.

But he can still hear the rain. The unmistakable sound of raindrops falling on the pavement continued on in the background. 

“Sho.”

Sho cracks an eye open to see Satoshi with his huge umbrella, shielding both of them from the rain. His friend frowns as he surveys his face and then the rest of his body. 

“You brainless idiot. You should have known better.”

Sho concurs but he finds he cannot move his mouth either. 

“Come on. I’ll bring you home.” Satoshi hoists Sho’s limp arm around his shoulders and picks him up.

This is the time Sho wishes he had one.

***

Sho swears he has never seen Satoshi smile like that in the years he has known the guy.  
He watches from a distance as Satoshi accepts a neatly wrapped gift from a girl who cannot stop blushing the whole time. He pauses in his step and observes his friend. Satoshi looks baffled, as if he cannot believe he’s receiving one. Sho scoffs because he knows Satoshi has received plenty before.

_But he’s too nice to just simply say thank you_. 

After that, Sho sees them together more often. During breaks, during classes, and even after school, the girl is always trailing behind Satoshi. Satoshi, the thoughtful bastard, will always stop to let her catch up with him. The sweetness is evident, it’s almost sickening.  
Sho grimaces when he realizes he has been staring at their backs for too long that he doesn’t notice it started raining again and he did not bring an umbrella.

***

The girl, Satomi, is officially going out with Satoshi. Sho can barely restrain his sarcastic cheer. When Satoshi pulls him aside one day to ask what he thinks, Sho makes a face and says, “I don’t even care enough to spare a single thought.” _Bullshit_.

“Well, then, if you’re going to be a bastard every time, at least hold up a stop sign so I would know when I should back off,” Satoshi grumbles under his breath before leaving Sho alone at the empty corridor. Sho stares at his back as he walks away and he bites his tongue to stop himself from calling the guy back.

_He’s just a friend. Nothing more. Stop this._

Satoshi ignores him for the rest of the day. And the week after that. 

***

When he finds himself covered in bruises yet again, he smiles sardonically because this time, no one’s going to take him home, or whatever they call that place he stays in. The same guy and his band of roughed-up lads made sure Sho cannot recover from their continuous assault this time around. He takes it all in, like a sacred masochist, thinking it’s for everyone’s good.

But he hears the police siren going nearer, hears the frantic footsteps of these unknown people as they escape, hears the unmistakable voice he has not heard from in months. 

“I can’t believe you.”

Satoshi hoists him up again, just like the last time. 

But Sho remembers this and whispers, “Thank you.”

From the corner of his eyes, he can see the tips of Satoshi’s ears burning red in embarrassment. 

He smiles genuinely for the first time.

***

Satoshi invites him for a casual lunch at his favorite family restaurant. Sho can’t bring himself to refuse. He should have known, though, that Satomi will be there and he will be the fucking annoying third wheel.

The couple sits across from him and Sho busies himself with the table napkins, fiddling with them to ease his discomfort. Satoshi planned this and Sho knew it from the start. He just did not expect to be uncomfortable meeting his best friend’s girlfriend.

“Sho, this is Satomi. Satomi, Sho.”

Simple introductions. They know each other from school anyway. Sho sees a brief panic cross her eyes before she reaches out a hand to him. He ruefully stares at it. 

“Nice to finally meet you, Sho.”

Sho murmured curses to himself when his gaze strays to Satoshi gesturing his desperate pleas for them to get along. He reluctantly meets her hand halfway and gives her a dry smile. 

“Nice to meet you, too, Satomi.”

Satoshi smiles brighter than the fucking sun that day. Sho hates it more than the sun. Satomi, who is glad with how the exchange went, orders enough for the three of them. Sho claims that this is the first time he has eaten enough to keep him full for the next two days. 

Satomi’s laugh lingers on his mind until he surrenders to sleep.

***

Sho graduates from high school for some miraculous reason. He managed to pass every subject at the last minute. He managed to be serious about school for once. He has no one to thank but Satoshi. _Okay, Satomi, too_.

Satoshi rushes to his side when he walks out of the auditorium, holding his diploma in one hand. Sho mentally pleads that Satoshi avoids the talk about future plans. Because God forbid, he still does not have any. Even this accomplishment is unplanned.

Satoshi puts an arm around Sho’s shoulder. “So, want to go have a drink?”

Sho smirks and agrees. 

***

Satoshi is buzzing with laughter and excitement. The guy keeps tossing his head back, drinking small amounts of alcohol in quick succession. Sho can hardly keep up. He smiles at his friend’s amusing drunk antics, though. 

With his face completely red, he dances around the bar with other drunken old men and Sho fondly looks on, raising his drink in an attempt to cheer. As soon as he sets his glass down at the table, he is hit with the sudden thought that this may be their last time together.   
Sho is pessimistic but something in his gut tells him that he may be right on this one. This may be Satoshi’s sort of goodbye. 

Sho should have known. Satoshi, unlike him, has plans for the future. Maybe he wants to go to college, pursue his dreams of becoming a painter and sell tons of his works through exhibits. Maybe he wants to build a family of his own, be with Satomi or some other girl he will genuinely love for the rest of his life, and have kids as tanned as he is. He may not have such plans for himself but Satoshi surely does. 

Before his thoughts completely overwhelm him, familiar warmth envelops him into an embrace. Satoshi puts his arms around Sho’s neck, hugging him from behind, and sleepily murmurs, “It’s your turn to take me home, idiot.”

***

Sho ends up bringing his drunken best friend to his home because his feet can only take a few miles with Satoshi sleeping on his back. He carries him up to his bedroom, for the first time thankful that he lives alone. He dumps him on his unmade bed and curses under his breath when he feels a crick on his neck. 

He proceeds to fluff the pillows under Satoshi’s head before he pauses at the sight of his friend’s sleeping face.

Satoshi’s not, in any way, handsome. If you ask Sho, Satoshi’s a decent looking guy with sleepy eyes, a beautiful nose, thin lips and tanned skin. He’s not really an object of fantasy for every lady but rather, an acquired taste. But to Sho, he’s a precious person.   
He can’t help but brush his fingers along his fringes. He lightly traces every feature of Satoshi’s face with his fingertips and he can feel them tingle with every touch. He’s unable to look away. When his fingers reach his lips, Sho leans down on a strange impulse and presses his own lips against Satoshi’s.

There are no fireworks, no strange electricity coursing through his veins, no lingering magic. But his heart beats faster than before, louder than before and he’s on the brink of tears. 

Satoshi’s not a friend anymore. _Not to me_.

***

Sho nearly drops his bags of groceries when he bumps into a familiar face years after graduation. He has been living a simple life on his own as a boring salaryman and he does not expect to see anyone from his hometown coming to the city. 

Satomi smiles at him and it pains him because he _remembers_. 

“Sho! I knew it was you!” Satomi greets him cheerfully, unaware of his internal battle. “How are you?”

“I’m…fine,” his throat is suddenly all-choked up. 

“I didn’t know you live around here. Why didn’t you tell me? I thought I gave my mail to you after graduation. I haven’t changed it since.”

Sho knows. “Beats me. I didn’t know you lived here either. How’s…how’s life?”

Satomi excitedly raises her hand to boast about the ring on her finger. “I’ve been married! Happily so!”

“Uh...well…”

“I sent you an invitation. But you didn’t reply. I was wondering why. Satoshi’s been looking all over for you,” Satomi tells him. Sho’s mouth goes dry in anxiousness at the mere mention of the guy. The new bride doesn’t notice. “Shame because Nino really wanted to meet you.”

“N-Nino?”

“Oh, my husband. That’s his nickname. Cute, isn’t it?”

By the way Satomi gushed about her husband, Sho guesses his hearing did not fail him. So she did not marry Satoshi, after all. 

“And Satoshi? Why was he looking for me?”

Satomi must have seen his face grow pale at the question so she immediately reaches for her small notepad, scribbles something on one paper, tears it and hands it over to him. “Call him. Ask him yourself.”

With one last smile, Satomi bids him goodbye.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dark, the light, and their moments of grey. This second part is partly inspired by selected lyrics from the song, **FourFiveSeconds** by Rihanna and Kanye West. Slightly shorter than the first one. This didn't turn out as planned but I hope this suffices, all the same. :)

_And I know that you're up tonight  
Thinkin', "How could I be so selfish?"  
But you called 'bout a thousand times  
Wondering where I've been  
Now I know that you're up tonight  
Thinkin', "How could I be so reckless?"  
But I just can't apologize  
I hope you can understand_

Sho had a hard time getting a wink of sleep that night. 

He sat at the far corner of his room, biting his nails, and trying to calm his frantically beating heart. Satoshi slept on, snoring lightly, unaware of the mess he made on Sho’s heart.

He did not know what to make of his sudden realization. He was caught off guard by the intense emotions he found himself feeling for his friend. He did not want this, he continued to tell himself. But Satoshi made it easy for Sho to fall deeper in love with him. 

Sho knew he’d spontaneously burst one day if he didn’t get to tell his feelings sooner rather than later. He convinced himself this was for the best, even though he was aware of the likely possibility of getting his heart broken in the worst possible way. It was impossible for Satoshi to feel the same way for him. 

As his eyes slowly drooped close, his last thought was the conviction to confess everything to Satoshi. _Tomorrow._

***

Sho woke up to the sound of merry humming. Rays of sunlight hit him directly in the face, just like every single day. _Damn mornings._

He threw an arm to cover his eyes, refusing to open them just because it’s morning. But the humming persistently continued, getting nearer and getting obnoxiously louder. A hesitant finger poked his cheek and he waved his free hand to shoo it away. He had no desire to get up.

He heard a familiar, annoyed, “tsk.” 

“Sho.”

One call was enough to wake him up from his deep slumber. His head was throbbing, probably from the copious amount of alcohol he consumed last night, and his whole body ached because of his awkward sleeping form on the seat by the window of his bedroom.

No one else could be waking him up on his first day as an official graduate rather than Satoshi. 

Sho groaned, clutching his poor head. 

“Hey, I drank more than you did. How come you’re feeling worse?” Satoshi pouted.

“I don’t know,” Sho croaked in an embarrassing hoarse voice. He coughed and squinted at his friend bathed in sunlight coming from the open windows of Sho’s room. The effect on Satoshi was ethereal, and Sho knew it was not just the hangover thinking. 

Satoshi threw him a gentle smile. “I kept one paracetamol for you downstairs. Even cooked you a meal because I know you’d just eat bread again if I didn’t.”

Sho froze in his seat and wondered what he did in his past life or even in this pathetic life to deserve someone like Satoshi.

***

“I dreamt about you.”

Sho nearly choked on his orange juice. 

“You were the only familiar face in the sea of people. I tried calling for you. But you didn’t answer.”

Satoshi was stirring his coffee with a teaspoon, not daring to look up at Sho who was staring at him, stock-still.

“It was scary, you know, seeing your face disappear, becoming one with the crowd surrounding me. It was like I’ll never see you again,” Satoshi ended his story with a bark of laugh. “Alcohol messes up my head too much, huh.”

“Satoshi,” Sho called, nearing panic.

“Hm?”

“I—”

“Do you want cream for your coffee?”

“I—yes…”

***  
“I love you…I think.”

These five words uttered by Sho made Satoshi stop in his tracks. He was about to head home and Sho was seeing him off by the door of his house. The guy had been quiet all throughout breakfast that Satoshi wondered whether he said something wrong. Maybe he shouldn’t have told Sho about his stupid dream. 

But he knew it was better to be blunt than regret the things left unsaid.

Satoshi had been confessed to before, many times. But this one left him with his heart racing.

He turned and met Sho’s eyes. The other guy valiantly kept the eye contact. Eventually, he let out a sigh he didn’t know he had been holding.

“I-I’m…look, I’m sorry, Sho…”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Sho immediately cut him off, waving his arms in an attempt to convey that he’s okay. “I just…want to tell you or I’d spontaneously combust. I understand…and thank you. For everything.”

For some reason, the words were Sho’s goodbye. Satoshi knew. 

“You’re welcome.”

“But I wouldn’t apologize for the feelings I couldn’t help but feel.”

Satoshi admitted it himself. It was better to be blunt than regret the things left unsaid. 

***  
So this was how heartbreak felt.

It sucked.

Sho had been beaten nearly to death so many times before. However, his body always managed to regain back its strength and he was back to normal in no time. 

But this was different. It was like having multiple knives struck to your chest, all at the same time. There was no blood. There were no visible marks. Yet the pain was there all the same.

He cried. Of course, he did. Who wouldn’t? He expected this but he didn’t know it would hurt like hell.

You see, Sho did not cry when his family died in an accident years ago. He did not cry when people started coming on to him, provoking him through the use of the tragic incident to do something violent. He did not cry when people offered sympathetic words and glances. He did not cry when he goes home every day to an empty house. He did not cry. 

But all the pent up emotions built inside him for all these years suddenly burst out of him when he did cry. He cried for his parents. He cried for the people’s sympathy. He cried for the constant bullying. He cried for Satoshi. 

And he swore this was the last time.

***  
The paper in Sho’s hands is all crumpled up, but the numbers Satomi has written on it remained glaring at him, prompting him to just do it. 

Just call him. What would be the harm?

The truth was he moved away the day after that event. Sho was glad Satoshi knew next to nothing about his future plans, if he ever did have those, or his plan B. Sho meant to run away. 

But Satoshi did not make the move as easy as he planned it to be. As soon as Satoshi realized Sho was gone, he began leaving messages on his phone. He began calling Sho’s mobile relentlessly, from morning till midnight. 

Sho even read some, for the sake of it. 

_Sho,  
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound selfish.  
I’m sorry.  
Please come back.  
Waiting for your reply.  
Satoshi._

And another.

_Sho,  
Just tell me where you are.  
I’m worried about you.  
Please just answer me.  
I’m waiting for your call.  
Satoshi._

And the last one, before Satoshi finally gave up.

_Sho,  
You did not have to go, you know.  
We could have talked about this more.  
I didn’t know you felt that way for me.  
You should have given me more time.  
Damn it, Sho.  
Just come back.   
Let’s talk.   
Please.  
Satoshi._

The pain came crashing back tenfold after reading those messages. 

***  
Sho dials the number one day, when he’s idly sitting around his small apartment, trying desperately to find something to do. He can’t so he reaches for his phone and dials the numbers ingrained on his brain after thinking about calling it so many times for the past few days since he met Satomi by chance.

His palms are sweaty when he places the phone by his ear. Sho’s anxiousness continues to build up with every ring. _Please don’t answer, please don’t answer, please don’t—_

“Hello?”

The familiar voice is sleepy and tired, like the usual.

“Hello?”

Sho cannot bring himself to respond. The lump on his throat seems to grow by the second.

“If this is a prank call, I’m not in the mood so please—”

“Satoshi. It’s me.”

He wishes he doesn’t sound like he’s about to cry.

“S-Sho? Is this really you? Or is this a prank call? I can’t tell…”

Satoshi sounds too confused that Sho laughs in amusement. 

“It has only been three years, Satoshi.”

“Three years is a long time, Sho,” is Satoshi’s sullen reply. 

The air between them is quiet yet uncomfortable. Words may not necessarily fill every silence but Sho can use some if he has the right ones. The problem is he doesn’t. 

“I’ll send you my address. Come.”

Sho nods at the order. “Sure, sure. I’ll be there.”

When he hangs up, he wonders whether this is a good idea or not.

***  
Sho has imagined all sorts of situations that can possibly play out in his inevitable reunion with Satoshi. Maybe he’ll punch him hard across the face. Maybe he’ll pinch his ears until they both turn red. Maybe he’ll torture him with silence. But that’s just Sho’s fretful mind at work.

When he rings the doorbell to a small room at an apartment complex, he does not expect someone to open the door before the first ring is finished. Satoshi unceremoniously pulls him inside by the collar and does not waste his time in dragging Sho to the _genkan_ and pushing him against the door. Before he can utter a single word of exclamation, Satoshi claims his lips in a fiery kiss, far better than the innocent one he did without Satoshi's knowledge years before.

Sho responds in an equal passion, hopefully conveying his burning feelings through every pull of his mouth. He tilts his head and allows Satoshi to steal kisses on his neck, behind his ear, everywhere that his lips can reach. When Satoshi pulls away, he puts his forehead against Sho’s, gasping for air he desperately needs to get his breathing back to normal. 

Sho opens his eyes, as well, and is greeted by a shy smile from Satoshi. 

“I’m sorry. I must have missed you too much.”

Sho doesn’t speak. He opts for swinging an arm around Satoshi’s neck instead and pulling him again for another kiss.

**fin.**


End file.
